Wake Up.

lesbihonestdemi asked: hi:)

Hello there.

Ive dated every “Shane” in boulder.

• 
  
• • you, i’m with you, 
    the one i can trust to protect my sensitive heart from bad dreams
    with everything between that upside down pot on your head 
    and the untied laces on your feet, 
    complete with a cigarette sitting between your chapped lips like a
    blade of grass sprouting in a crack in the sidewalk,
    and any given cooking utensil within your arm’s reach 
    like the spatula in your fist and that whisk in your back pocket,
    it’s lost
    like a lost homing pigeon whose home is any branch it chooses to sleep on, 
    like me. and you.
    i’m home wherever i can find your face gleaming like a sunbeam,
    reaching like a tree’s roots from the depths of the hell in my chest and my brain
    to the clouds in your eyes
    (or the smoke you heavily exhale through your burning nostrils),
    cause you, girl, you are my life and when i’m with you, 
    i am light expelled by the sun, 
    piercing the blindness of the dark matter surrounding our dense bodies,
    larger than jupiter, with our organs orbiting the remains of our souls like 
    birds,
    vultures,
    swarming my dead body, pulling bits of rotting flesh from between my bones
    and disassembling me
    like the time i got so angry at something you didn’t do 
    that i threw that nearly completed fifteen-hundred piece puzzle against the wall 
    that you got me for a 
    “happy tuesday, i love you” present 
    and that day something inside me started pounding,
    pounding on the insides of my eyelids and 
    seeping through my fingers 
    like watercolor on computer paper 
    and it stained my shirts and left my hands red 
    and then you said it would be okay. 
    my world stopped. my heart stopped. 
    i stared into your deep eyes with disbelief shrouding me like nitrous oxide and my head clouded and i thought i was hallucinating when you said
    all my monsters would be gone.
    cause you’ve been standing over me every night since i was in the crib, 
    before i knew you.
    every night you’re knocking the boogyman over the head 
    with that spatula and that whisk. 
    your shoelaces are untied and there’s a pasta strainer that’s too big for your head
    with bits of your greasy, unwashed-for-a-week hair poking through the holes
    like the moonlight
    that shines through your multicolored post-it note stained glass window
    and covers you like a blanket when you lay awake thinking, and i hope it’s about me cause i think about you,
    and those moonbeams are holding you tighter than i’d ever be capable of holding
    but i am the moon.
    when you’re gone, you can look up at my smiling grin or my face in awe and say to your neighbor,
    “that’s my girl, the one with the freckles” 
    and you know i love you by the way i carry the stars home in a basket for you like apples, 
    you know i love you by the way i dangle the planets from your bedroom ceiling,
    you know i love you by the way i spill the milky way into a cup and warm it up for you in the microwave.
    anything to help you sleep, girl. 
    anything to make you dream.

 i cannot help to think that im settling in order to not be alone. i lost the actual chances i ever had at true love. im sitting here alone, desperate for a companion; anyone. and thats easier said then done. because no one will ever compare to them. im scared ill never be that happy again. the thought of losing so much control over personal happiness is unbearable. i try to compensate, the makeup, the clothes, the fucking drugs and girls. anything to take my fucking mind off of the longing i feel. they say that heartbreak can kill you. and i completely believe that. the feeling of pain and loss, you lose every bit of strength youve ever had to go on. i want to say that ill live, and life goes on. i dont want this par of my life to define me. i dont fucking know how to do that. and im fucking terrified. theres an emptiness in my chest that im afraid will never go away. theres not enough drugs and cigarettes or random girls to fill that hole. 

sirsquidlychan:

,

(via delicatedelusions)

If you listen closely to my heart, you can hear the ocean..

And in that moment i swear we were infinite.

Dont be afraid to fall in love. It is the only thing that matters in the world. The only thing.